BECOMING THE TOTAL WOMAN

VIBRANCY IN MARRIAGE (Part 2)

VIBRANCY IN MARRIAGE (Part 1)

THE POWER OF GOOD COMMUNICATION

QUESTION AND ANSWERS (CONTINUED)

These are Questions Asked by Several Women and My Responses to Them. I Hope You Will Learn from Their Experiences.

QUESTION 9

My husband is possessive, he does not trust me and he usually says it out loud. He refuses to apologize when he is wrong. He is very proud and does not give me compliments. He is not proud of me nor does he appreciate my efforts. He has openly said to my face that he hates me. Kindly explain, how do you know that a man loves you? Please explain in detail, what is expected from a husband who loves his wife?

ANSWER

My sister, love can never be covered. The Bible in 1 Peter 4:8 says, “love covers a multitude of sins.” From these questions, I can say that you did not study each other before your wedding. This is a fundamental problem which is why I advise single sisters to marry someone who loves them more than they love him. Women, in general, don’t easily fall in love, but the moment we are in love, it is settled. But when men are not in love as much as their wives, there will always be a problem. And they (men) will pick on every issue. Even what they can easily settle or overlook, they will pick on it. This is why he can openly say to your face, and even in the presence of others, that he hates you. And when there is no love, there cannot be trust. He will always suspect you. This is why a husband won’t forgive offenses after many years, referring to it whenever there are issues. The man who does not love you cannot appreciate you. He can only appreciate you when there is love. So, your top priority is to pray for him to genuinely love you just as Christ loves the church. No matter how much a man pretends to love you, you will know if he does not. The way a man handles issues will reveal how much he loves you. If he will care about your feelings, health, welfare and emotions. So, my sister, in this you need to be calm and get your bearing. There is no reversal (divorce) here, you can only focus on the next thing to do, so, relate with him in love. Yes! It is difficult to relate with such men in love, but pray that God should help you in this matter. And as time goes by, he will reciprocate it, though not as fast as you may want it, but the situation will motive him to do so. Talking about apology, it is when he has feelings for you that he sees it as a necessity to say sorry, and it takes a man who has the spirit of God to admit that he is at fault. Pride and ego will not allow most men to admit this. As for you, with all you have mentioned, if you are not careful to forgive, you may end up being bitter. And bitterness is a danger to your Christian identity. Forgive him and let go. Yes, it is difficult, very difficult, but to be able to finish your Christian race well, you need to let go. Remember, a bad marriage can deny you from making heaven. I pray for you that God will see you through in Jesus name.

 

QUESTION 9

Ma, I’m fed up with my marriage; my husband beats me regularly.

ANSWER

It takes two to tango; a soft, gentle and thoughtful answer turns away wrath but harsh, painful and careless words stir up anger (Proverbs 15:1). Every man has the tendency to be violent, but those with the grace of God in them suppress this tendency. A man is like a square with each side painted a different colour (red, blue, white and black). When you put the square in front of four different women with each woman facing a different side, you will realize that each woman will only get to see a different colour. Now, representing each side are anger, violence (beating), love and care. This shows that every man has in him the tendency to be loving and caring, likewise the propensity to be violent (and a beater). It now depends on the response of the wife when he is angry. Do you get angry along with him and reply with words that fuel his anger? This can result in you being beaten. You can decide that no matter what he says, you will not reply him in anger; that you will admit to faults at first and later, when things are calm, you will discuss the issue. However, there are exceptions, because there are men who will still choose to beat you even when you reply with soothing words. In this case, separation is advised for safety, while continuous prayers are raised for him. Please note, separation does not mean you can remarry.

IN TIMES LIKE THIS – 2019 GOOD WOMEN CONVENTION (July 12TH – 14TH)

Per her tradition in recent times, the 2019 City of Refuge Good Women Convention began with a visit to Little Saints Orphanage, Akowonjo. Led by Pastor Olaitan Olukoyede, the women came bearing bountiful gifts (boxes of clothing and food items). The officials of the home, in their vote of thanks, were very grateful for the women’s consistent visit yearly.

The 2nd day was packed with events ranging from Pastor Olaitan’s Q&A session to Yoruba and Igbo cultural presentations to medical checks, and training sessions on Makeup and cooking Ofe Nsala (White Soup). There were also assortments of refreshments available.

The convention concluded with a thanksgiving service where Pastor Olaitan Olukoyede’s sermon emphasized the need for every marriage to have its God-given mission and vision. Afterwards, Pastor Ola Olukoyede specially prayed for the women. It was indeed an unforgettable event.

 

Tehila Odigie

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS (CONTINUED)

These are Questions Asked by Several Women and My Responses to Them. I Hope You Will Learn from Their Experiences.

QUESTION 7

My husband libido is too high. He wants sex in the morning, afternoon and evening, everyday. More so, he is not romantic at all. He does not care about my health, even when I am sick he still wants sex. He does not listen to my explanations.

ANSWER

1 Peter 3:7a, “Likewise, ye husband, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel and as been heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered.” Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.” Ephesians 5:28, 29 & 33, “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: …Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverences her husband.”

The bible passages above tell us that husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church. Loving your wife means you love yourself, because after the wedding your wife became a part of you. As no man ever hates himself, husbands also need to love their wives. There must be communication between husband and wife because it will lead to better understanding.

As for the high libido, after marriage there are certain things we adapt to and others we change about ourselves. In this case, discuss your feelings with your husband, I am sure he will reason with you. A woman whom you are not romantic with will always complain. Romance makes a woman enjoy sex.

 

QUESTION 8

Ma, please can I separate from my spouse without remarrying? Will I make heaven?

ANSWER

I Corinthians 7: 6-11, “But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment. For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that. I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.” Matthew 6: 14-15, “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

My sister, you demanding separation from your husband means he has hurt you. However, the bible says we should forgive one another, and if you cannot forgive your husband, how do you want God to forgive you? Forgiveness is a commandment and moving out is not the solution except when violence is involved. I will admonish you not to leave because there is no one whom God cannot change. Don’t zero your mind to divorce or separation if violence is not involved.

Yes, you will make heaven but how do you reconcile with your spouse if you still live apart even after forgiving each other? You need to forgive and forget.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS 2

These are Questions Asked by Several Women and My Responses to Them. I Hope You Will Learn from Their Experiences.

QUESTION 3

I realize my husband is having extramarital affairs but he is so smart, every-time I am set to catch him, he escapes.

ANSWER

I thank God for yours and your husband’s lives. Remember, a man will always be a man, you don’t need to set out to catch him because a lot of men will deny such accusations. What you need to do is to be more prayerful than ever before. Secondly, check yourself to see where you may have missed it. And pray for him to have a repentant heart.

 

QUESTION 4

My husband doesn’t give me feeding allowance, he only pays the school fees and house rent; and with the kind of work he is doing, he can afford it. He said it is my own responsibility.

ANSWER

1 Timothy 5:8 says “but if any provide not for his own, and especially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.” As a child of God, it is the responsibility of a man to pay the school fees, house rent, and feeding allowance. As believers, according to the word of God, we are supposed to take care of our families. Therefore, you need to pray about it and afterwards, look for someone capable of convincing him on the importance of providing for his family. A woman can also support but it’s not her sole responsibility. When you take care of your family, God will direct His blessings to you.

 

QUESTION 5

Mummy, my husband does not appreciate any of my efforts, instead, he nags and curses me on a regular basis.

ANSWER

This attitude shows that your husband has not surrendered his life unto God. Your wife, after marriage, automatically becomes a part of you (husband), so how can he curse and beat himself? Foremost, you need to pray for the salvation of his soul. When he is saved, his mind and attitude will be changed. As a believer, you are not permitted to leave your unbelieving husband, but you can bring him to Christ through your godly character. Peradventure your husband is a believer, because you did not mention it, and he is still doing all these things, then you need to intensify your prayers asking for the manifestation of the fruits of the Holy Spirit in his life while you increase your patience.

 

QUESTION 6

What can I do Ma? My husband always compares me with his mother, sisters, past girlfriends and women around him.

ANSWER

You can start by looking for a time when he is in a good mood to prayerfully discuss it with him. It is actually wrong for a man to compare his wife with his mother, sisters or past girlfriends. Such an attitude is very bad. Everyone is unique, we all have our strengths, differences, and weaknesses. This is why Christian courtship is necessary because it gives you and your intended spouse the opportunity to discuss your likes and dislikes before marriage. You can also discuss it with his mentor, but if he doesn’t change his ways afterwards, don’t take it so seriously, he will get over it.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

These are Questions Asked by Several Women and My Responses to Them. I Hope You Will Learn from Their Experiences.

 

QUESTION 1

I am a born-again sister married to a born-again brother in RCCG. We are both workers in the church but I realize that my husband does not have an atom of love for me at all. His attitude and the sort of words that comes out of his mouth have made me realize that I have made the biggest mistake of my life in marrying him. He is not caring, not loving and very selfish. He does not willingly buy things for me. What can I do? We are just patching this marriage.

ANSWER

Glory be to God that you are still together, my sister. There are some people whose case is not even as worse, yet they are no more together. This shows that God loves you both. Like you said, you are both workers in the church, so even if you believe that your marriage is a mistake, God is a God of change. There is nothing too difficult for him to do. Some men think that they are allowed to say anything when they are angry in order to prove their point. But when you surrender your life to Christ, your body and character remain intact, and gradually God has a way of changing you. In my counseling sessions, I tell women to develop shock absorbers due to the things that come from their spouses. You don’t have to reply all the nagging, abuses, negative words and curses because replying him would bring more bad words. And you keeping quiet does not mean that you are a fool, you are only obeying the word of God. With regards to not buying things for you, PLEASE find something to do (which will earn you some money}; and if you are working, buy for yourself those things you need to make yourself happy. I am not supporting the bad behavior but whatever you do not have the power to change leave it for God to handle.  But pray. My sister, I feel your pain, I know what you are talking about. It is not an easy process but you do not have a choice. As a child of God, the moment you are married it is settled for life. Make sure this does not take you away from God. Don’t lose your focus as a child of God. Read the word of God, surround yourself with people who will encourage you and not those who will discourage you. It is a matter of time, you are sowing your prayers, you will soon receive the harvests.

 

QUESTION 2

My husband has turned me into a sex puppet; yet he is not caring nor loving. He fights me over every little thing. I want to be submissive but he still fights me. He does not have any respect for me or my family (including my parents). Nobody can talk to him, he will change the story and get angry, and the case will become worse. I soak my bed with tears every day. Unfortunately, we are born again Christians married for fourteen years with a child. He is always happy when I am hurt, sad or down. He believes that I should not shine more than him. He does not want helpers around me and everything must be about him, and I must not complain or talk. I should always accept that I am the devil. I have prayed seriously about this for years. Is God not answering me? Did I marry the wrong person?

ANSWER

I realize your husband is not broken at all, there is more of flesh than God in him. Unfortunately, most men don’t desire for their wives to be more successful than them yet there are a few who celebrate their wives’ successes. Marriage is a parcel whatever you find in it is your lot. And God hates divorce, so there is no going back the moment you are married. You asked if God is not answering you because you have been praying for years, I would like to tell you that our God is a prayer-answering God. The devil is the one at work and he is fighting your home. Don’t see your husband as the devil. I want you to understand this, the bible says one will chase a thousand, two will put ten thousand to flight. When you are united with your husband, the devil is always unhappy. There are greater glories coming your family’s way and this is what the devil is after. Carefully choose a prayer partner who is not lousy nor a gossip. Choose a date and pray together about this. You also need extra prayers from a genuine child of God, who has a higher anointing.