QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS 2

These are Questions Asked by Several Women and My Responses to Them. I Hope You Will Learn from Their Experiences.

QUESTION 3

I realize my husband is having extramarital affairs but he is so smart, every-time I am set to catch him, he escapes.

ANSWER

I thank God for yours and your husband’s lives. Remember, a man will always be a man, you don’t need to set out to catch him because a lot of men will deny such accusations. What you need to do is to be more prayerful than ever before. Secondly, check yourself to see where you may have missed it. And pray for him to have a repentant heart.

 

QUESTION 4

My husband doesn’t give me feeding allowance, he only pays the school fees and house rent; and with the kind of work he is doing, he can afford it. He said it is my own responsibility.

ANSWER

1 Timothy 5:8 says “but if any provide not for his own, and especially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.” As a child of God, it is the responsibility of a man to pay the school fees, house rent, and feeding allowance. As believers, according to the word of God, we are supposed to take care of our families. Therefore, you need to pray about it and afterwards, look for someone capable of convincing him on the importance of providing for his family. A woman can also support but it’s not her sole responsibility. When you take care of your family, God will direct His blessings to you.

 

QUESTION 5

Mummy, my husband does not appreciate any of my efforts, instead, he nags and curses me on a regular basis.

ANSWER

This attitude shows that your husband has not surrendered his life unto God. Your wife, after marriage, automatically becomes a part of you (husband), so how can he curse and beat himself? Foremost, you need to pray for the salvation of his soul. When he is saved, his mind and attitude will be changed. As a believer, you are not permitted to leave your unbelieving husband, but you can bring him to Christ through your godly character. Peradventure your husband is a believer, because you did not mention it, and he is still doing all these things, then you need to intensify your prayers asking for the manifestation of the fruits of the Holy Spirit in his life while you increase your patience.

 

QUESTION 6

What can I do Ma? My husband always compares me with his mother, sisters, past girlfriends and women around him.

ANSWER

You can start by looking for a time when he is in a good mood to prayerfully discuss it with him. It is actually wrong for a man to compare his wife with his mother, sisters or past girlfriends. Such an attitude is very bad. Everyone is unique, we all have our strengths, differences, and weaknesses. This is why Christian courtship is necessary because it gives you and your intended spouse the opportunity to discuss your likes and dislikes before marriage. You can also discuss it with his mentor, but if he doesn’t change his ways afterwards, don’t take it so seriously, he will get over it.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

These are Questions Asked by Several Women and My Responses to Them. I Hope You Will Learn from Their Experiences.

 

QUESTION 1

I am a born-again sister married to a born-again brother in RCCG. We are both workers in the church but I realize that my husband does not have an atom of love for me at all. His attitude and the sort of words that comes out of his mouth have made me realize that I have made the biggest mistake of my life in marrying him. He is not caring, not loving and very selfish. He does not willingly buy things for me. What can I do? We are just patching this marriage.

ANSWER

Glory be to God that you are still together, my sister. There are some people whose case is not even as worse, yet they are no more together. This shows that God loves you both. Like you said, you are both workers in the church, so even if you believe that your marriage is a mistake, God is a God of change. There is nothing too difficult for him to do. Some men think that they are allowed to say anything when they are angry in order to prove their point. But when you surrender your life to Christ, your body and character remain intact, and gradually God has a way of changing you. In my counseling sessions, I tell women to develop shock absorbers due to the things that come from their spouses. You don’t have to reply all the nagging, abuses, negative words and curses because replying him would bring more bad words. And you keeping quiet does not mean that you are a fool, you are only obeying the word of God. With regards to not buying things for you, PLEASE find something to do (which will earn you some money}; and if you are working, buy for yourself those things you need to make yourself happy. I am not supporting the bad behavior but whatever you do not have the power to change leave it for God to handle.  But pray. My sister, I feel your pain, I know what you are talking about. It is not an easy process but you do not have a choice. As a child of God, the moment you are married it is settled for life. Make sure this does not take you away from God. Don’t lose your focus as a child of God. Read the word of God, surround yourself with people who will encourage you and not those who will discourage you. It is a matter of time, you are sowing your prayers, you will soon receive the harvests.

 

QUESTION 2

My husband has turned me into a sex puppet; yet he is not caring nor loving. He fights me over every little thing. I want to be submissive but he still fights me. He does not have any respect for me or my family (including my parents). Nobody can talk to him, he will change the story and get angry, and the case will become worse. I soak my bed with tears every day. Unfortunately, we are born again Christians married for fourteen years with a child. He is always happy when I am hurt, sad or down. He believes that I should not shine more than him. He does not want helpers around me and everything must be about him, and I must not complain or talk. I should always accept that I am the devil. I have prayed seriously about this for years. Is God not answering me? Did I marry the wrong person?

ANSWER

I realize your husband is not broken at all, there is more of flesh than God in him. Unfortunately, most men don’t desire for their wives to be more successful than them yet there are a few who celebrate their wives’ successes. Marriage is a parcel whatever you find in it is your lot. And God hates divorce, so there is no going back the moment you are married. You asked if God is not answering you because you have been praying for years, I would like to tell you that our God is a prayer-answering God. The devil is the one at work and he is fighting your home. Don’t see your husband as the devil. I want you to understand this, the bible says one will chase a thousand, two will put ten thousand to flight. When you are united with your husband, the devil is always unhappy. There are greater glories coming your family’s way and this is what the devil is after. Carefully choose a prayer partner who is not lousy nor a gossip. Choose a date and pray together about this. You also need extra prayers from a genuine child of God, who has a higher anointing.

BE WISE! LEARN FROM OTHERS

The Bible recommends that you follow those who have obtained what you are striving to obtain. These are those who are examples, whom you respect, who have the kind of testimonies you desire. One of the recommended ways is going through the materials of others’ life story.

Proven ways to learn and make a difference in your family today.

  1. Study and Learn from Biographies: The Bible says: “Now all these things happened unto them for example: and they are written for our admonition, upon whom the ends of the world’s are come” (1 Cor. 10:11). One major way of being “Followers of them who through faith and patience inherit the promises” is through their biographies. These could be in form of a printed book, an electronic book, audio recording or video. A biography is the life story of a person written by someone else. As a wife, it is important for you to learn to study the biographies of others; especially wives who have excelled and thus have inherited the promises.

Why biographies?

They provide examples to learn from because the secrets of men are in their stories. You must understand the secret of learning from examples if you want to get to God’s destination for your life. History has a way of always repeating itself – negatively or positively. There are biblical and contemporary biographies for you to learn from. The Bible is full of stories of those who lost out of their destinies and those who made full proof of it. A few of them include: Gehazi, Elisha’s servant and heir apparent to the great unction and anointing upon Elisha’s life and ministry. Unfortunately, he lost it all to covetousness (2 Kings 5:20-27). Instead of becoming an anointed minister, he ended up as a notable leper.

Judas was one Jesus’ twelve disciples. Like the others, he walked and dined with the Lord, but ended up betraying him due to covetousness (Matt. 26:14-16). He did not only end up a loser on earth, but he will also spend eternity in hell because he did not repent before taking his own life. He ended in shame.

Delilah – in Judges 16: 1-21, the Bible gives record of a lady that could have married God’s servant and probably become one of the most referenced wives. But she gave in to covetousness and sexual sin. She became an instrument in the hands of the devil and she was not spared. She died alongside those that sent her.

David, the man after God’s heart: “with his whole heart he danced for the Lord” (2 Samuel 6:14).  He was a generous giver. He single-handedly provided all that was needed for the building of the temple. Due to his constant enquiry from God, he never lost any battle. When he was caught up in sin, he cried out for help and he was forgiven (2 Samuel 12:13). He maintained his position in the heart of God, and God established his throne forever (2 Samuel 7:16).

When you study the lives of those who have gone ahead of you, you will be able to learn from them and avoid their pitfalls. In our contemporary world today, there are examples of men and women that are worth emulating. Find out about successful ministries and their wives, look out for their secrets, follow these secrets and you will become the next success story. You can’t become a story until you acquaint yourself with the stories of others who have obtained a good report. “Those who don’t have references, never become a reference.” This is true! One tree never makes a forest. Every man that is now a reference has had to identify with several references of men at some point. The Bible says, “Hearken to me, ye that follow after righteousness, ye that seek the LORD: look unto the rock whence ye are hewn, and to the hole of the pit whence ye are digged. Look unto Abraham your father, and unto Sarah that bare you: for I called him alone, and blessed him, and increased him” Isaiah 51:1-2. As you look unto God, the rock from whence ye are hewn, you are also to look unto your father Abraham. You are not to look only unto God but also unto the fathers who have gone ahead of us in the race. As you look at their lives, you are able to interpret the scriptures correctly and to see farther. Wisdom demands that you stand on the shoulders of those who have gone ahead of you, and their stories are invaluable assets in achieving yours. Your place will only be secured by the degree of illumination you carry. Time is precious and it is irrecoverable. Instructions are the pathways of wisdom. As you study the lives of those who have already inherited the promises, it becomes easy to wisely avoid mistakes that they made and pick instructions from what they did right.

Please be aware: you must be discreet enough not to take everything you read or hear hook, line and sinker, rather apply wisdom in knowing what to learn and what to unlearn by avoiding their mistakes. I personally take delight in reading biographies of ministers and ministers’ wives, especially those who have been in full time pulpit preaching ministry. For instance, I have read books written by and the biographies of great men and women of God like Pastor (Mrs.) Folu Adeboye, late Pastor (Mrs.) Bimbo Odukoya among others. Remember, for you to see brighter, you need the shoulders of those who have gone before you. One major way of doing this is by reading their biographies. You can take advantage of this truth.

THE POWER OF GOOD COMMUNICATION (PART 5)

PROBLEMS OF LACK OF GOOD COMMUNICATION AMONGST COUPLES.

1. Satan Looks for Loopholes: 2 Corinthians 11:3 says, “But I fear, lest by any means, as the serpent beguiled Eve try his subtilty, so your minds should be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ.” Every successful home is a threat to Satan’s kingdom, that is why he would do anything to destroy it. Unfortunately, he gains entrance to many homes often through the woman. Women are more susceptible to the attacks of Satan because of their roles in the home. She is usually more at home than the man. So, she is more available to Satan.

2. It Creates Bitterness and Trouble: Hebrews 12:15 says, “Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God, lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled.” Bitterness starts from very little things. Perhaps your spouse or a family member has done something to hurt you and you refuse to forgive him or her. Watch it, every remembrance of the incidence brings pain to you. And that’s a root of bitterness springing up gradually. If it is not dealt with immediately, it will ultimately trouble you. The term ‘springing up’ connotes a thing that starts small, and then suddenly shoots up. Once bitterness gains access into your heart and it is not immediately wiped, very soon, it will magnify itself and dominate you. Another thing about bitterness is that it actually troubles and embitters individuals. You lose your rest to bitterness. If you are bitter towards your spouse, when he or she is in the sitting room, you will want to be in the bedroom, and there is usually no rest within you. Bitterness makes you to fall short of the grace of God. This means when you harbor bitterness, you are actually frustrating the grace of God upon your life. And what are you without grace? 1 Corinthians 15:10 says, “but by the grace of God I am what I am.” So, while you need His grace to succeed in your family, bitterness can frustrate it.

3. It Breeds Unforgiveness and Wickedness: Not only does bitterness trouble individuals, it goes beyond that to defile them. It makes people filthy before God, as He sees you as an infidel and an outcast. In the Old Testament, outcasts were not permitted to dwell among other men (Isaiah 17:3). What a misery! Again, bitterness is a root that grows into the tree of unforgiveness. Wherever you see unforgiveness, know that bitterness is at its root. Unforgiveness is wickedness! An unforgiving wife or person is a wicked person, do you want to be identified with the wicked? Secondly, unforgiveness invites God’s anger. Let go of unforgiveness, so God won’t be angry with you.

REMEDY TO BITTERNESS

What you must do to overcome bitterness?
FORGIVE! Forgive whosoever has offended you including your spouse. Learn the secret of instant forgiveness, that is to forgive as soon as you are offended, whether the offender asks for it or not. The Bible says, “let bitterness be out away from you, with all malice” (Ephesians 4:31). So, forgive all people who have offended you so you can live a peaceful and burden free life. This is one of the secrets of success in marriage and family life. For wherever envy and strife are, there is confusion and every evil work. You don’t have to join many who have lost their homes and marriages to bitterness. This principle of instant forgiveness has helped me a great deal. I practice it and it has paid off for me. It pays to forgive.

THE POWER OF GOOD COMMUNICATION (PART 4)

Know that your wife will not plan your hurt neither would your husband want to harm you. The devil is behind the strife in your home. He is hanging around, in an attempt to destroy your covenant dominion in Christ. But you can choose not to give him any room. Once there is agreement in the three dimensions of a man’s life (spirit, soul and body) the couple have in their hands one of the most potent forces. Agreement in the body entails not being committed to any other person physically, but your spouse. In the realm of the mind, you should share the same thoughts, imaginations, dreams and aspirations. As it was in Genesis 11:6, a husband and wife can also be totally united, believing in the same things and sharing a unity of faith. It is time couples resolved whatever differences exist between them otherwise they will lose their dominion. If both parties will only purpose to be in total agreement on all issues concerning their home, it will be impossible for barrenness, financial difficulties etc. to have access to them.

When a couple has an enlightened understanding of their needs and are open to the help God is sending them in each other, marital conflicts subsides and each spouse is honoured and respected. Each of them, therefore, has dependency needs the must be met. It is surprising to see women who have a good understanding of their boss’ needs but not their husband’s. You see, when I got married, my husband and I were strangers, having no understanding of our courtships. This affected our relationship, but eventually time passed and we put commitment and sacrifice to our marriage and our home became real inspire of setbacks and disappointments. Few years after our marriage, things began to fall in place as we began to have enlightened understanding of each other’s needs.

“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18).
We must not allow our past to affect our future no matter what the situation maybe. You are wise if you will look at the good traits God has put into your man, and start to affirm, lift up and praise those traits. It does not matter what the situation of your spouse is right now. Your words can lift him up and strengthen him. When a man’s spirit is crushed, he becomes vulnerable to physical and spiritual attacks. You can begin to cultivate the habit of speaking positive words to your husband. Don’t ever curse him. Remember that you have become one, spiritually, and that is how some couple fail to notice it because they are used to saying negative things to their partners which later in future affects both of them. Know that what you say is what you will see and what you see is what you get.

THE POWER OF GOOD COMMUNICATION (Part 2)

Ephesians 5:26 says, “That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word.” This implies that every word of your mouth must be seasoned with salt, giving grace to the hearer. “Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man” (Colossians 4:6). Love should be behind every observation you make. When you correct, rebuke or instruct let it be love motivated. At no time should any unhealthy word proceed from your mouth to him.

And for the men, know that 1 Peter 3:7 says that, “likewise, ye husbands dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honors unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered.” Husbands are under an obligation to honor their wives as heirs together of the grace of life. This makes beating, humiliating or maltreating the woman a taboo. God expects you to deal with your own wife according to knowledge. The knowledge of truth will put you on top, such that even if your wife has a terrible character, by the application of the truth you can change her. It is the man’s responsibility to be involved in his wife’s affairs. I spoke with a man a while ago and he told me the business his wife did. When I asked him his part in it, he replied “I don’t care.” He was unknowingly digging a pit for himself by his nonchalant attitude.

Communication is one of the key ingredients of marriage in order to enjoy all round family dominion. However, husband and wife must always be in agreement as it is the key that unlocks the door to family dominion. According to Matthew 18:19, “Again I say unto you that if two of you shall agree on earth as touching anything that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my father which is in heaven.” Good communication between a couple is the point where you agree as touching on earth and it is done for you by your Father in heaven. The root of Dominion is found in marriage. Therefore, people who know how to operate the covenant of marriage enjoy dominion. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up.” Even when you have someone to help you and you do not relate well at home, how then will your partner know that you need help to stand up?

THE POWER OF GOOD COMMUNICATION

Communication is very important in marriage. As women, we need to create time to nurture and develop very good relationships. Communication helps out during the teething period. Teething period in marriage is the development period where couples find it a little difficult to relate with each other because of their differences.
When communication is in place, there will be understanding and where there is understanding, there will be peace, love and joy. I have always advised husbands to give their wives a chance to express themselves. This doesn’t take anything from you as a man, instead it shows that you are matured with a large heart.
In the days of our fore fathers, some families did not allow their wives to talk or take any decisions. They lived the life of slave and master, and that was why most families were involved in polygamy. They didn’t experience an ideal home designed by God. Please husbands, kindly allow or permit your wives to express themselves; and I do advice women that whenever they have the opportunity to express themselves that they should do it in love, with respect and a gentle tone. But, I have noticed some men who feel disrespected no matter how a woman tries to explain herself with respect.

When communication is in place, the matter will not get to the extent of living like cats and dogs (which is living like enemies). The relationship gets better and better the moment there is communication between the couple. Two people from different places, backgrounds and homes need time to understand each other very well.
I have realized that you should not take any decisions whenever you are very angry. Many times when I am angry and I take decisions, it is always wrong. If you want to be a godly woman, you will have to trade away some of your rights to keep the peace. Love is expressed in communication.

BALANCE HOME AND CAREER 4

Helpful tips and steps for every working woman towards being more organized.

4. MAXIMIZE YOUR TIME: If you work full time, hire outside help to keep up your house and not your home, because you need the extra time for your family. Be a Total Woman and not a ‘super woman,’ who wants does everything. This leads to a stressed out woman who is not a joy to be around. I have tried it and ended up on a side bed. If you are unable to afford hiring someone to help clean your house, schedule a day or evening every week or twice a month when you can get the basics done such as cleaning the toilets, doing the laundry, dusting and mopping the rooms. Once you are able to achieve this, you would not be too reliant on hired helps because you are now able to do it yourself.

This principle also works well when you are planning for the holidays. In my case, I try to have everything finished for Christmas by December 1st, this way I have time to enjoy the season, go to parties, school errands and church functions without the added stress of trying to get ready for Christmas. Here is a useful secret for you, identify the hardest and most stressful part of your day and create a plan to ease or change it (if you can). When you are able to apply this amendment to your schedule, you will be able to do so much more. I’m an example of this. In my own case that stressful task is laundry, so I planned with a dry-cleaning outfit, who takes care of it and I pay them what is not too much for me to handle. Your day will go more smoothly if you take some stress out of it. Remember, when you make a task easier, you don’t just save time you make your life better.

5. CHANGE YOUR HOUSE INTO A HOME: Changing your house into a home can be one of the most fulfilling goals for a woman to achieve. Even if you are not the type of person who likes to clean, you probably love the warm feeling you get when you welcome your family and friends to your home. Just think about Christmas or the birthday of any member of your family. When my home is full of good food, beautiful decorations and loved ones, I have a true sense of contentment and fulfilment. My goal is to have this same kind of contentment in my home every day. It takes work, time, effort and wisdom to achieve this in our home. Titus 2:5 encourage us to be “sensible pure, workers at home.” This verse is an encouragement for us because it shows the Lord’s desire for us as wives and homemakers to be hard workers in our homes. In fact, the Psalmist said in Psalms 127:1, “unless the Lord build the house, they labour in vain who build it.” In other words, we need the Lord to help us build our homes and if we follow his guidelines, we will succeed with this goal.

BALANCE HOME AND CAREER 3

Helpful tips and steps for every working woman towards being more organized.

1. Find the Right Job: You need to work. Find a job where you can use your talents, something you would like to do even if you have very young children. First, take a look at your options; a full-time or part-time job. Although with a part-time job, you will not make as much money as you would at a full-time job. The few years at home invested in your children will reap tremendous rewards, so consider something you can do from home such as book keeping, secretarial services, selling goods or services from your home. Beauty companies such as Mary Kay, beads and hat making, make-up and so on are all examples of home-based businesses that have made many women successful from the comfort of their homes. If you have an entrepreneurial spirit, then start your own business. Women are earning money from selling their own crafts, fashion, performing desktop publishing or graphic design, telemarketing etc. You may also consider working at a school. Once children are in school, many women become teachers or aides. They are home in the afternoons and on school breaks with their children. If you need to work and your children are in school, think about jobs that allow you to be home in the afternoon and during school breaks.

2. Keep a Right Attitude: Be excited with the journey of life. It is easy to start thinking that everything is too hard and there’s just too much to do. This is a mistake I make too often. If you feel life is too hard, ask yourself – ‘What is missing? What is wrong?’ Ask God to help you refocus on the life he has given you and to find the joy. When you are at home, don’t feel bad about not being at work. Leave office problems at the office, so you will be 100 percent available to your family when you are home. Keep your life balanced as you possibly can.

3. Be Realistic with Your Goals: Remember you cannot do it all. Break the pattern of doing too much. Recognize your limitations and try to delegate more. Asking for help is not weakness, it is sensible management. Think of yourself as the organizer of your day. Plan when you can do certain tasks so you won’t be overwhelmed when it’s time to go home. Balance your tasks between priorities and demands. I define priorities as those things that are important to you which you want to do while demands as those things that are important to someone else which you feel you should do. However, doing only what you want (priorities) is selfish while doing only what others want (demands) is unendurable.

BALANCE HOME AND CAREER 2

In today’s world, balancing financial needs with a child’s emotional well-being is complex and may require tough choices. I have no right to tell you whether you should stay at home or leave for work. I can only encourage you to find something to do. This is a decision for you and your husband to make and as a choice it can make a woman to feel very guilty. Each woman needs to ask the Lord what is best for her and her family. And if you are a single mother, staying at home with the children is not a likely option, and my heart aches because you are likely the sole provider for the family.

However, in homes where the husband is able to provide for the family and the children are pre-schoolers, the wife should stay at home to nurture the children. While doing this, she can engage in a side business that would not hinder her child-nurturing responsibilities. As a result, the family will reap tremendous benefits in later years.

I have a hard time when I see mothers who don’t need to work, but do so for extra material comforts. As unpopular as this perspective may be, I feel compelled to say it – “mothers should put their children’s best interests before their own.” If that means a career has to be put on hold or the old car needs to be driven another four years, so be it. Children are not acquisitions. They are precious human beings who need parents guiding them every day. A Day-Care Centre used daily will never offer them the care, instructions, security and love that a parent can. Even a good house maid cannot be as good as you are to your children. If you are struggling with this, sit down and review exactly how much money you have left after deducting Day-Care, After-School, dry-cleaning and housemaid bills.

I have talked to a lot of women who realized that they were making only a small income after all these deductions. These mothers also noted that they would save money from fewer hospital visits if their pre-schoolers were at home more, spend less on takeout food and stress relieving activities.

What can we learn from the Proverbs Woman?
“She considers a field and buys it from her earnings, she plants a vineyard” (Proverbs 31:16).
This “Total Woman” is also an entrepreneur.

A “Working Woman” who wants to increase her family’s wealth and is always on the lookout for things to do. She first thinks through her purchases, then buys from her own earnings because her husband doesn’t give her money. She has learned how to save. But what type of “job” is this? She is working to help her family and this work is probably next to her house, so she really has a “house-based” job. She buys a vineyard because grape raisins are important products for a Hebrew family. During the months of September and October, the fresh ripe grapes are eaten along with bread as one of the principal foods while other grapes are dried in a corner of the vineyard, sprinkled with olive oil and stored for winter use. Raisins were widely used as well. The Hebrew people would take the juice of grapes, boil it and eat it with bread.