QUESTION AND ANSWERS (CONTINUED)

These are Questions Asked by Several Women and My Responses to Them. I Hope You Will Learn from Their Experiences.

QUESTION 9

My husband is possessive, he does not trust me and he usually says it out loud. He refuses to apologize when he is wrong. He is very proud and does not give me compliments. He is not proud of me nor does he appreciate my efforts. He has openly said to my face that he hates me. Kindly explain, how do you know that a man loves you? Please explain in detail, what is expected from a husband who loves his wife?

ANSWER

My sister, love can never be covered. The Bible in 1 Peter 4:8 says, “love covers a multitude of sins.” From these questions, I can say that you did not study each other before your wedding. This is a fundamental problem which is why I advise single sisters to marry someone who loves them more than they love him. Women, in general, don’t easily fall in love, but the moment we are in love, it is settled. But when men are not in love as much as their wives, there will always be a problem. And they (men) will pick on every issue. Even what they can easily settle or overlook, they will pick on it. This is why he can openly say to your face, and even in the presence of others, that he hates you. And when there is no love, there cannot be trust. He will always suspect you. This is why a husband won’t forgive offenses after many years, referring to it whenever there are issues. The man who does not love you cannot appreciate you. He can only appreciate you when there is love. So, your top priority is to pray for him to genuinely love you just as Christ loves the church. No matter how much a man pretends to love you, you will know if he does not. The way a man handles issues will reveal how much he loves you. If he will care about your feelings, health, welfare and emotions. So, my sister, in this you need to be calm and get your bearing. There is no reversal (divorce) here, you can only focus on the next thing to do, so, relate with him in love. Yes! It is difficult to relate with such men in love, but pray that God should help you in this matter. And as time goes by, he will reciprocate it, though not as fast as you may want it, but the situation will motive him to do so. Talking about apology, it is when he has feelings for you that he sees it as a necessity to say sorry, and it takes a man who has the spirit of God to admit that he is at fault. Pride and ego will not allow most men to admit this. As for you, with all you have mentioned, if you are not careful to forgive, you may end up being bitter. And bitterness is a danger to your Christian identity. Forgive him and let go. Yes, it is difficult, very difficult, but to be able to finish your Christian race well, you need to let go. Remember, a bad marriage can deny you from making heaven. I pray for you that God will see you through in Jesus name.

 

QUESTION 9

Ma, I’m fed up with my marriage; my husband beats me regularly.

ANSWER

It takes two to tango; a soft, gentle and thoughtful answer turns away wrath but harsh, painful and careless words stir up anger (Proverbs 15:1). Every man has the tendency to be violent, but those with the grace of God in them suppress this tendency. A man is like a square with each side painted a different colour (red, blue, white and black). When you put the square in front of four different women with each woman facing a different side, you will realize that each woman will only get to see a different colour. Now, representing each side are anger, violence (beating), love and care. This shows that every man has in him the tendency to be loving and caring, likewise the propensity to be violent (and a beater). It now depends on the response of the wife when he is angry. Do you get angry along with him and reply with words that fuel his anger? This can result in you being beaten. You can decide that no matter what he says, you will not reply him in anger; that you will admit to faults at first and later, when things are calm, you will discuss the issue. However, there are exceptions, because there are men who will still choose to beat you even when you reply with soothing words. In this case, separation is advised for safety, while continuous prayers are raised for him. Please note, separation does not mean you can remarry.

IN TIMES LIKE THIS – 2019 GOOD WOMEN CONVENTION (July 12TH – 14TH)

Per her tradition in recent times, the 2019 City of Refuge Good Women Convention began with a visit to Little Saints Orphanage, Akowonjo. Led by Pastor Olaitan Olukoyede, the women came bearing bountiful gifts (boxes of clothing and food items). The officials of the home, in their vote of thanks, were very grateful for the women’s consistent visit yearly.

The 2nd day was packed with events ranging from Pastor Olaitan’s Q&A session to Yoruba and Igbo cultural presentations to medical checks, and training sessions on Makeup and cooking Ofe Nsala (White Soup). There were also assortments of refreshments available.

The convention concluded with a thanksgiving service where Pastor Olaitan Olukoyede’s sermon emphasized the need for every marriage to have its God-given mission and vision. Afterwards, Pastor Ola Olukoyede specially prayed for the women. It was indeed an unforgettable event.

 

Tehila Odigie

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS (CONTINUED)

These are Questions Asked by Several Women and My Responses to Them. I Hope You Will Learn from Their Experiences.

QUESTION 7

My husband libido is too high. He wants sex in the morning, afternoon and evening, everyday. More so, he is not romantic at all. He does not care about my health, even when I am sick he still wants sex. He does not listen to my explanations.

ANSWER

1 Peter 3:7a, “Likewise, ye husband, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel and as been heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered.” Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.” Ephesians 5:28, 29 & 33, “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: …Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverences her husband.”

The bible passages above tell us that husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church. Loving your wife means you love yourself, because after the wedding your wife became a part of you. As no man ever hates himself, husbands also need to love their wives. There must be communication between husband and wife because it will lead to better understanding.

As for the high libido, after marriage there are certain things we adapt to and others we change about ourselves. In this case, discuss your feelings with your husband, I am sure he will reason with you. A woman whom you are not romantic with will always complain. Romance makes a woman enjoy sex.

 

QUESTION 8

Ma, please can I separate from my spouse without remarrying? Will I make heaven?

ANSWER

I Corinthians 7: 6-11, “But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment. For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that. I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.” Matthew 6: 14-15, “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

My sister, you demanding separation from your husband means he has hurt you. However, the bible says we should forgive one another, and if you cannot forgive your husband, how do you want God to forgive you? Forgiveness is a commandment and moving out is not the solution except when violence is involved. I will admonish you not to leave because there is no one whom God cannot change. Don’t zero your mind to divorce or separation if violence is not involved.

Yes, you will make heaven but how do you reconcile with your spouse if you still live apart even after forgiving each other? You need to forgive and forget.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS 2

These are Questions Asked by Several Women and My Responses to Them. I Hope You Will Learn from Their Experiences.

QUESTION 3

I realize my husband is having extramarital affairs but he is so smart, every-time I am set to catch him, he escapes.

ANSWER

I thank God for yours and your husband’s lives. Remember, a man will always be a man, you don’t need to set out to catch him because a lot of men will deny such accusations. What you need to do is to be more prayerful than ever before. Secondly, check yourself to see where you may have missed it. And pray for him to have a repentant heart.

 

QUESTION 4

My husband doesn’t give me feeding allowance, he only pays the school fees and house rent; and with the kind of work he is doing, he can afford it. He said it is my own responsibility.

ANSWER

1 Timothy 5:8 says “but if any provide not for his own, and especially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.” As a child of God, it is the responsibility of a man to pay the school fees, house rent, and feeding allowance. As believers, according to the word of God, we are supposed to take care of our families. Therefore, you need to pray about it and afterwards, look for someone capable of convincing him on the importance of providing for his family. A woman can also support but it’s not her sole responsibility. When you take care of your family, God will direct His blessings to you.

 

QUESTION 5

Mummy, my husband does not appreciate any of my efforts, instead, he nags and curses me on a regular basis.

ANSWER

This attitude shows that your husband has not surrendered his life unto God. Your wife, after marriage, automatically becomes a part of you (husband), so how can he curse and beat himself? Foremost, you need to pray for the salvation of his soul. When he is saved, his mind and attitude will be changed. As a believer, you are not permitted to leave your unbelieving husband, but you can bring him to Christ through your godly character. Peradventure your husband is a believer, because you did not mention it, and he is still doing all these things, then you need to intensify your prayers asking for the manifestation of the fruits of the Holy Spirit in his life while you increase your patience.

 

QUESTION 6

What can I do Ma? My husband always compares me with his mother, sisters, past girlfriends and women around him.

ANSWER

You can start by looking for a time when he is in a good mood to prayerfully discuss it with him. It is actually wrong for a man to compare his wife with his mother, sisters or past girlfriends. Such an attitude is very bad. Everyone is unique, we all have our strengths, differences, and weaknesses. This is why Christian courtship is necessary because it gives you and your intended spouse the opportunity to discuss your likes and dislikes before marriage. You can also discuss it with his mentor, but if he doesn’t change his ways afterwards, don’t take it so seriously, he will get over it.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

These are Questions Asked by Several Women and My Responses to Them. I Hope You Will Learn from Their Experiences.

 

QUESTION 1

I am a born-again sister married to a born-again brother in RCCG. We are both workers in the church but I realize that my husband does not have an atom of love for me at all. His attitude and the sort of words that comes out of his mouth have made me realize that I have made the biggest mistake of my life in marrying him. He is not caring, not loving and very selfish. He does not willingly buy things for me. What can I do? We are just patching this marriage.

ANSWER

Glory be to God that you are still together, my sister. There are some people whose case is not even as worse, yet they are no more together. This shows that God loves you both. Like you said, you are both workers in the church, so even if you believe that your marriage is a mistake, God is a God of change. There is nothing too difficult for him to do. Some men think that they are allowed to say anything when they are angry in order to prove their point. But when you surrender your life to Christ, your body and character remain intact, and gradually God has a way of changing you. In my counseling sessions, I tell women to develop shock absorbers due to the things that come from their spouses. You don’t have to reply all the nagging, abuses, negative words and curses because replying him would bring more bad words. And you keeping quiet does not mean that you are a fool, you are only obeying the word of God. With regards to not buying things for you, PLEASE find something to do (which will earn you some money}; and if you are working, buy for yourself those things you need to make yourself happy. I am not supporting the bad behavior but whatever you do not have the power to change leave it for God to handle.  But pray. My sister, I feel your pain, I know what you are talking about. It is not an easy process but you do not have a choice. As a child of God, the moment you are married it is settled for life. Make sure this does not take you away from God. Don’t lose your focus as a child of God. Read the word of God, surround yourself with people who will encourage you and not those who will discourage you. It is a matter of time, you are sowing your prayers, you will soon receive the harvests.

 

QUESTION 2

My husband has turned me into a sex puppet; yet he is not caring nor loving. He fights me over every little thing. I want to be submissive but he still fights me. He does not have any respect for me or my family (including my parents). Nobody can talk to him, he will change the story and get angry, and the case will become worse. I soak my bed with tears every day. Unfortunately, we are born again Christians married for fourteen years with a child. He is always happy when I am hurt, sad or down. He believes that I should not shine more than him. He does not want helpers around me and everything must be about him, and I must not complain or talk. I should always accept that I am the devil. I have prayed seriously about this for years. Is God not answering me? Did I marry the wrong person?

ANSWER

I realize your husband is not broken at all, there is more of flesh than God in him. Unfortunately, most men don’t desire for their wives to be more successful than them yet there are a few who celebrate their wives’ successes. Marriage is a parcel whatever you find in it is your lot. And God hates divorce, so there is no going back the moment you are married. You asked if God is not answering you because you have been praying for years, I would like to tell you that our God is a prayer-answering God. The devil is the one at work and he is fighting your home. Don’t see your husband as the devil. I want you to understand this, the bible says one will chase a thousand, two will put ten thousand to flight. When you are united with your husband, the devil is always unhappy. There are greater glories coming your family’s way and this is what the devil is after. Carefully choose a prayer partner who is not lousy nor a gossip. Choose a date and pray together about this. You also need extra prayers from a genuine child of God, who has a higher anointing.

BE WISE! LEARN FROM OTHERS

The Bible recommends that you follow those who have obtained what you are striving to obtain. These are those who are examples, whom you respect, who have the kind of testimonies you desire. One of the recommended ways is going through the materials of others’ life story.

Proven ways to learn and make a difference in your family today.

  1. Study and Learn from Biographies: The Bible says: “Now all these things happened unto them for example: and they are written for our admonition, upon whom the ends of the world’s are come” (1 Cor. 10:11). One major way of being “Followers of them who through faith and patience inherit the promises” is through their biographies. These could be in form of a printed book, an electronic book, audio recording or video. A biography is the life story of a person written by someone else. As a wife, it is important for you to learn to study the biographies of others; especially wives who have excelled and thus have inherited the promises.

Why biographies?

They provide examples to learn from because the secrets of men are in their stories. You must understand the secret of learning from examples if you want to get to God’s destination for your life. History has a way of always repeating itself – negatively or positively. There are biblical and contemporary biographies for you to learn from. The Bible is full of stories of those who lost out of their destinies and those who made full proof of it. A few of them include: Gehazi, Elisha’s servant and heir apparent to the great unction and anointing upon Elisha’s life and ministry. Unfortunately, he lost it all to covetousness (2 Kings 5:20-27). Instead of becoming an anointed minister, he ended up as a notable leper.

Judas was one Jesus’ twelve disciples. Like the others, he walked and dined with the Lord, but ended up betraying him due to covetousness (Matt. 26:14-16). He did not only end up a loser on earth, but he will also spend eternity in hell because he did not repent before taking his own life. He ended in shame.

Delilah – in Judges 16: 1-21, the Bible gives record of a lady that could have married God’s servant and probably become one of the most referenced wives. But she gave in to covetousness and sexual sin. She became an instrument in the hands of the devil and she was not spared. She died alongside those that sent her.

David, the man after God’s heart: “with his whole heart he danced for the Lord” (2 Samuel 6:14).  He was a generous giver. He single-handedly provided all that was needed for the building of the temple. Due to his constant enquiry from God, he never lost any battle. When he was caught up in sin, he cried out for help and he was forgiven (2 Samuel 12:13). He maintained his position in the heart of God, and God established his throne forever (2 Samuel 7:16).

When you study the lives of those who have gone ahead of you, you will be able to learn from them and avoid their pitfalls. In our contemporary world today, there are examples of men and women that are worth emulating. Find out about successful ministries and their wives, look out for their secrets, follow these secrets and you will become the next success story. You can’t become a story until you acquaint yourself with the stories of others who have obtained a good report. “Those who don’t have references, never become a reference.” This is true! One tree never makes a forest. Every man that is now a reference has had to identify with several references of men at some point. The Bible says, “Hearken to me, ye that follow after righteousness, ye that seek the LORD: look unto the rock whence ye are hewn, and to the hole of the pit whence ye are digged. Look unto Abraham your father, and unto Sarah that bare you: for I called him alone, and blessed him, and increased him” Isaiah 51:1-2. As you look unto God, the rock from whence ye are hewn, you are also to look unto your father Abraham. You are not to look only unto God but also unto the fathers who have gone ahead of us in the race. As you look at their lives, you are able to interpret the scriptures correctly and to see farther. Wisdom demands that you stand on the shoulders of those who have gone ahead of you, and their stories are invaluable assets in achieving yours. Your place will only be secured by the degree of illumination you carry. Time is precious and it is irrecoverable. Instructions are the pathways of wisdom. As you study the lives of those who have already inherited the promises, it becomes easy to wisely avoid mistakes that they made and pick instructions from what they did right.

Please be aware: you must be discreet enough not to take everything you read or hear hook, line and sinker, rather apply wisdom in knowing what to learn and what to unlearn by avoiding their mistakes. I personally take delight in reading biographies of ministers and ministers’ wives, especially those who have been in full time pulpit preaching ministry. For instance, I have read books written by and the biographies of great men and women of God like Pastor (Mrs.) Folu Adeboye, late Pastor (Mrs.) Bimbo Odukoya among others. Remember, for you to see brighter, you need the shoulders of those who have gone before you. One major way of doing this is by reading their biographies. You can take advantage of this truth.

THE POWER OF GOOD COMMUNICATION (PART 5)

PROBLEMS OF LACK OF GOOD COMMUNICATION AMONGST COUPLES.

1. Satan Looks for Loopholes: 2 Corinthians 11:3 says, “But I fear, lest by any means, as the serpent beguiled Eve try his subtilty, so your minds should be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ.” Every successful home is a threat to Satan’s kingdom, that is why he would do anything to destroy it. Unfortunately, he gains entrance to many homes often through the woman. Women are more susceptible to the attacks of Satan because of their roles in the home. She is usually more at home than the man. So, she is more available to Satan.

2. It Creates Bitterness and Trouble: Hebrews 12:15 says, “Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God, lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled.” Bitterness starts from very little things. Perhaps your spouse or a family member has done something to hurt you and you refuse to forgive him or her. Watch it, every remembrance of the incidence brings pain to you. And that’s a root of bitterness springing up gradually. If it is not dealt with immediately, it will ultimately trouble you. The term ‘springing up’ connotes a thing that starts small, and then suddenly shoots up. Once bitterness gains access into your heart and it is not immediately wiped, very soon, it will magnify itself and dominate you. Another thing about bitterness is that it actually troubles and embitters individuals. You lose your rest to bitterness. If you are bitter towards your spouse, when he or she is in the sitting room, you will want to be in the bedroom, and there is usually no rest within you. Bitterness makes you to fall short of the grace of God. This means when you harbor bitterness, you are actually frustrating the grace of God upon your life. And what are you without grace? 1 Corinthians 15:10 says, “but by the grace of God I am what I am.” So, while you need His grace to succeed in your family, bitterness can frustrate it.

3. It Breeds Unforgiveness and Wickedness: Not only does bitterness trouble individuals, it goes beyond that to defile them. It makes people filthy before God, as He sees you as an infidel and an outcast. In the Old Testament, outcasts were not permitted to dwell among other men (Isaiah 17:3). What a misery! Again, bitterness is a root that grows into the tree of unforgiveness. Wherever you see unforgiveness, know that bitterness is at its root. Unforgiveness is wickedness! An unforgiving wife or person is a wicked person, do you want to be identified with the wicked? Secondly, unforgiveness invites God’s anger. Let go of unforgiveness, so God won’t be angry with you.

REMEDY TO BITTERNESS

What you must do to overcome bitterness?
FORGIVE! Forgive whosoever has offended you including your spouse. Learn the secret of instant forgiveness, that is to forgive as soon as you are offended, whether the offender asks for it or not. The Bible says, “let bitterness be out away from you, with all malice” (Ephesians 4:31). So, forgive all people who have offended you so you can live a peaceful and burden free life. This is one of the secrets of success in marriage and family life. For wherever envy and strife are, there is confusion and every evil work. You don’t have to join many who have lost their homes and marriages to bitterness. This principle of instant forgiveness has helped me a great deal. I practice it and it has paid off for me. It pays to forgive.

THE POWER OF GOOD COMMUNICATION (PART 4)

Know that your wife will not plan your hurt neither would your husband want to harm you. The devil is behind the strife in your home. He is hanging around, in an attempt to destroy your covenant dominion in Christ. But you can choose not to give him any room. Once there is agreement in the three dimensions of a man’s life (spirit, soul and body) the couple have in their hands one of the most potent forces. Agreement in the body entails not being committed to any other person physically, but your spouse. In the realm of the mind, you should share the same thoughts, imaginations, dreams and aspirations. As it was in Genesis 11:6, a husband and wife can also be totally united, believing in the same things and sharing a unity of faith. It is time couples resolved whatever differences exist between them otherwise they will lose their dominion. If both parties will only purpose to be in total agreement on all issues concerning their home, it will be impossible for barrenness, financial difficulties etc. to have access to them.

When a couple has an enlightened understanding of their needs and are open to the help God is sending them in each other, marital conflicts subsides and each spouse is honoured and respected. Each of them, therefore, has dependency needs the must be met. It is surprising to see women who have a good understanding of their boss’ needs but not their husband’s. You see, when I got married, my husband and I were strangers, having no understanding of our courtships. This affected our relationship, but eventually time passed and we put commitment and sacrifice to our marriage and our home became real inspire of setbacks and disappointments. Few years after our marriage, things began to fall in place as we began to have enlightened understanding of each other’s needs.

“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18).
We must not allow our past to affect our future no matter what the situation maybe. You are wise if you will look at the good traits God has put into your man, and start to affirm, lift up and praise those traits. It does not matter what the situation of your spouse is right now. Your words can lift him up and strengthen him. When a man’s spirit is crushed, he becomes vulnerable to physical and spiritual attacks. You can begin to cultivate the habit of speaking positive words to your husband. Don’t ever curse him. Remember that you have become one, spiritually, and that is how some couple fail to notice it because they are used to saying negative things to their partners which later in future affects both of them. Know that what you say is what you will see and what you see is what you get.

THE POWER OF GOOD COMMUNICATION (Part 2)

Ephesians 5:26 says, “That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word.” This implies that every word of your mouth must be seasoned with salt, giving grace to the hearer. “Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man” (Colossians 4:6). Love should be behind every observation you make. When you correct, rebuke or instruct let it be love motivated. At no time should any unhealthy word proceed from your mouth to him.

And for the men, know that 1 Peter 3:7 says that, “likewise, ye husbands dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honors unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered.” Husbands are under an obligation to honor their wives as heirs together of the grace of life. This makes beating, humiliating or maltreating the woman a taboo. God expects you to deal with your own wife according to knowledge. The knowledge of truth will put you on top, such that even if your wife has a terrible character, by the application of the truth you can change her. It is the man’s responsibility to be involved in his wife’s affairs. I spoke with a man a while ago and he told me the business his wife did. When I asked him his part in it, he replied “I don’t care.” He was unknowingly digging a pit for himself by his nonchalant attitude.

Communication is one of the key ingredients of marriage in order to enjoy all round family dominion. However, husband and wife must always be in agreement as it is the key that unlocks the door to family dominion. According to Matthew 18:19, “Again I say unto you that if two of you shall agree on earth as touching anything that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my father which is in heaven.” Good communication between a couple is the point where you agree as touching on earth and it is done for you by your Father in heaven. The root of Dominion is found in marriage. Therefore, people who know how to operate the covenant of marriage enjoy dominion. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up.” Even when you have someone to help you and you do not relate well at home, how then will your partner know that you need help to stand up?

THE POWER OF GOOD COMMUNICATION

Communication is very important in marriage. As women, we need to create time to nurture and develop very good relationships. Communication helps out during the teething period. Teething period in marriage is the development period where couples find it a little difficult to relate with each other because of their differences.
When communication is in place, there will be understanding and where there is understanding, there will be peace, love and joy. I have always advised husbands to give their wives a chance to express themselves. This doesn’t take anything from you as a man, instead it shows that you are matured with a large heart.
In the days of our fore fathers, some families did not allow their wives to talk or take any decisions. They lived the life of slave and master, and that was why most families were involved in polygamy. They didn’t experience an ideal home designed by God. Please husbands, kindly allow or permit your wives to express themselves; and I do advice women that whenever they have the opportunity to express themselves that they should do it in love, with respect and a gentle tone. But, I have noticed some men who feel disrespected no matter how a woman tries to explain herself with respect.

When communication is in place, the matter will not get to the extent of living like cats and dogs (which is living like enemies). The relationship gets better and better the moment there is communication between the couple. Two people from different places, backgrounds and homes need time to understand each other very well.
I have realized that you should not take any decisions whenever you are very angry. Many times when I am angry and I take decisions, it is always wrong. If you want to be a godly woman, you will have to trade away some of your rights to keep the peace. Love is expressed in communication.